Thank you to those of you who have reached out to me in my last post. I am, for lack of a better term, delighted that I am not alone.. I am sorry to know that so many are out there and have been surviving longer than I have. The posts I have read have given me hope and I appreciate all of you.

I was wondering today while driving if I would ever stop looking for my daughter on the streets. I still tend to take the same roads on my lunch break to see if she is walking around with her boyfriend. I purposely drive past the Motel’s that she stays at to see if I can catch a quick glance of her. I’ve been unlucky in my secret drive by’s.

I wonder…if I did see her, would I stop? I really don’t know.

The last time I saw my daughter was about a month ago. I invited her to lunch. It was odd. My daughter looked somewhat normal but she was talking funny and I could have sworn she was nodding off. I am not sure now if I actually saw that or if I just look for anything that I could turn in to a symptom of drug use. This was the first time I had seen her since she left in January. I tried to talk to her about her about 12 step meetings and her probation but she wasn’t interested in updating me. I asked her if she was on something and she said she wasn’t. My daughter claimed that she and her boyfriend were clean and weren’t using anymore. I really want to believe her, but I don’t.

My daughter is annoyed that I won’t accept her boyfriend with open arms, that I have drawn a line in the sand, and that I have told her that she is to be clean and sober and boyfriend free, or we are out of her life. I have recieved text messages of her (or him) telling me that I am a terrible person for turning my back on her, that she wishes she had a Mother, that if I could accept him, she would come home.

Here’s the thing.. I saw my daughters battered body…her back and arms burned by cigarettes, her eye blackened, mouth swollen, and all from this Drug Dealer of a boyfriend. I have heard witness statements from the night she overdosed that he allowed other scumbag guys to do what they liked to her while she was unconsious, and offered a group of boys a bag of pills to get her out of the party because she was a mess. My daughter was dying and he was pawning her off with a bag of pills and a promise of a good time, because “she wouldn’t know”.

I will never accept him, what he has done, and what he is still doing…….. EVER. The thing that puzzles me is ….how can she?

All I can offer her now are my prayers. It is honestly all I have left to give.

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