One week ago I signed for a certified letter from my daughters Probation office. Since then I have tried to schedule a time when I could meet with her so I could deliver it. My daughter and I would agree on a time, and then she would no-show. The only form of contact I have with her is through text messaging and most of the time it is her drug dealer boyfriend who responds. It is so frustrating!! I am sick to death of him and his rude messages, but she allows or refuses to see it, so it is what it is.

I was in the car the other day with my husband discussing the letter, wondering what the Probation office felt they needed to send by certified mail. We guessed it was probation violation. The requirements of her probation were very strict and when I discovered what they were, I knew it would require full-time attention. My daughter is supposed to go to 3-4 AA meetings a week, pay her restitution fee’s, live in a clean and sober living environment, and complete over 200 community hours within a short amount of time. All doable had she stayed at home..but whatever..this is her journey.

I felt like such a snoop, sneak or a Mrs. Cravits from Bewitched when I held the envelope up to the sun to see if it would show anything. It did and I wasn’t surprised. The only thing I could make out was “Notice of Probation Violation”, and then it said something about appearing in person within 5 days of the letter.

I called her Probation officer and let them know that she didn’t live with me, but that I had signed for a letter and that I couldn’t seem to deliver it. The Probation officer called straight back and told me not to worry, this letter was one of a few she sent certified..she was covering all of her bases.

I feel as though it is only a matter of time before she is back in jail. I don’t know if they will keep her very long, but as bad as this may sound, I hope they keep her long enough to find recovery.

The only time I sleep well is when she is in jail. It is the only time I am not scouring the internet for our local jails to see if she was arrested or look for those news alerts stating that they found a young woman in her early 20’s dead. I don’t place my phone right next to my pillow just in case the hospital or jail calls, and I can go out-of-town w/out fear of something happening to her while I am gone.

I used to hope and wish for College, traveling the world, sororities, new career, marriage and babies for her….and sadly now all I wish for is jail and sobriety.

I can’t see beyond her addiction and wonder if I will ever see the girl I used to know again.