I realized that I had never revealed what the certified and follow-up letter said.

During dinner with my daughter last week, my daughter put the letters in her purse.  I asked her if she was even curious about what they said and she said yes and pulled them out and opened them.

Certified Letter : Was a Notice of 3 (three) probation violations.  1) Failure to appear for meetings, 2) Failure to pay restitution fee’s, 3) Failure to submit community service hours. 

Follow-up Letter:   Notice of Hearing on 05/17/10.  

The follow-up letter requested that she appear on 05/17 so the Judge can determine if she has violated her probation.   I asked her if she thought she was going back to jail to which she replied “Mm hmm”.    I asked her how long she thought they would keep her and she said about 30 days.  I asked her if she was scared and she said that she wasn’t.  

I don’t know… I felt bad and a bit guilty for wishing this on her, especially considering how good she looked.   The Mom in me immediately wanted to help her fix this.   The Mom of a drug addict is holding back and letting this take its course.  

I have to remember that even if she is no longer using, she is also not doing any sort of 12 step recovery/rehab  program, so the probability of a relapse is high.  

I also have to remember that I have seen these good days in her before and they have thus far has always been followed by the bad days. 

For me,  I have to believe that in not helping her, that I am helping her.    I love her with every inch of my soul and pray for her every day, and right now that is all I can ask of myself.