Throughout the last 2 years of my daughters vida loca (crazy life),  I have taken the blows pretty well.  I’ve not punished myself too severely for feeling as though I failed her as her Mother, that I didn’t recognize the signs earlier, that I didn’t kidnap her while I had the chance and ship her off to a rehab clinic, and I tried not to take the things she said to me as gospel.   I failed with this yesterday, because something she said really hurt me.  

Talking with my 20-year-old yesterday, I asked if she had wished her sister a happy birthday.  My daughter said that she spoke with her on the phone which was unusual because she normally only texts.   I told my daughter that she was upset with me because I wouldn’t take the idiot to dinner with us, to which she stated that she knew she was upset.  

My daughter said to me:

 “She said that she never asks you for anything and then she called you a c*nt”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  silence ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mom…are you there?”  

“Yes.. I’m here”      I answered her. 

I was in shock, horror, and honestly just feeling utterly hurt over that evil 4 letter word.   My 20 year went on to tell me that she didn’t continue speaking to her but did manage to tell her sister that she understood why I felt the way I did.   

I reacted immediately.  That knee jerk reaction that is oh so dangerous.  I sent her a text message notifying her that I heard what she called me and not to bother calling me again when he beats her or needs a ride home from jail.  I blocked her number from my phone and sat and cried. 

I don’t know why I had a poor me party about this but I did.  I made a mental list of all of the things I had done for her and not just over the past 2 years with jail, money, food, clothing, rides, company — oh god…I’m doing it again.   Well I made a list and then sat while my belly ached from anger. 

I know what everyone is going to say… it’s the addict talking, she doesn’t mean it, she’s not in her right mind…and I know that, but it still hurt.   I am gutted about how easy it is for her to speak of me in such a way.   I feel betrayed.   

I do feel a sense of relief from blocking her number.   I know I won’t be woken up at 4am with her hysterical crying because Dipshit beat her or because she was in jail again.   On the other hand, I am terrified because I also won’t be able to check on her, to make sure she is alive, to have some contact with her.  

What I have decided is that for today, just today,  I am not unblocking her is the 1 healthy thing I am doing for myself – today. 

Who knows what will happen tomorrow.