I crumbled today and called my daughter.   I’ve not spoken with her since her birthday on June 2nd.  I decided then that I would not allow her to speak to me the way she did or to take advantage of me 1 more minute.  I was doing well with holding my bottom line, but I unblocked her phone today and dialed.  I guess I  just to see if she would answer and she did. 

It all started after I scheduled my 16 year old Senior Portraits today.  I remembered that I had never ordered my addict daughters Senior pictures because she was going to have them taken over.   The photo’s didn’t turn out as best as we had hoped and she had planned on doing them again.  unfortunately she moved out a week after graduation and it just never happened.   I felt guilty that I forgot and ashamed that I had not purchased any of her high school graduation photo’s. 

The lady at the studio was happy to advise that they kept the photo’s for up to 5 years and would send me the link so I could purchase some if I wanted.  The link came in and I opened a huge can of emotional worms!   I sat in tears at work looking at her photo’s, remembering better days..of dreams lost… of a girl once filled with aspirations….all gone.   My daughter was beautiful..her smile captured at a much more innocent time in her life.  I wanted to jump in that photo and kiss her face until it hurt.  I wished that I would have taken the damn day off  from work to take her to this appointment instead of having my husband do it.   I wished for so many things today, while  tears were flowing,  but regained my game face for work and remembered that I am human and the mistakes I made I can forgive myself for.  

I dialed the phone..like I said..just to see if she would answer.  The sound of her voice was bitter-sweet.  I was so happy to hear her…those sweet words “Hi Mom!”, but so painful because they were slurred and slowed.   It was more than obvious she was under the influence, but I pretended not to notice.   I asked how she was, to which she updated me that she had her own apartment now, but is working every day of the week and is very tired.    We didn’t talk long because she said that her boss was picking her up for work and she had to go, but promised to call me from work on her break.   The call never came and yes I had my phone in my hand all night.  

On my way home from work, I drove by her work and sat parked in the shade hoping for a glimpse of her walking in.   I am too scared to actually go in to the strip club and wondered today if she even still works there, but still I waited 45 minutes.  I saw all sorts walk in, but never saw my daughter.   I cried all the way home.  I just wanted to see her and felt robbed.   Who knows what would have happened if I had seen her, I had thoughts about honking my horn and jumping out to hug her…telling her that I was in the neighborhood.   I just knew she would see straight through that, so I figured I would just wait and just see her.  I may honk and wave and hopefully get a hug, but alas…I didn’t get the opportunity.  

The challenge for me now is to try not to keep calling and checking in on her.  I have to try really hard to hold my bottom line.   I told myself today that I was lucky to have heard her voice.   The high point of the call today was as we said goodbye..she said “I love you Mom” and I told her that I loved her too.   I actually smiled when she said it because it felt SO GOOD to hear it.  

Maybe just maybe she will feel the same way…and start thinking about wanting her family back.    I pray she does. 

I miss her so much.

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