Hello friends..I can’t believe how long it has been since I last blogged. A combination of anxiety, changes at work and anti anxiety medication has kept me from doing much of anything but surviving. I have stopped the meds, they made me feel like a zombie and I am just dealing with the rest.
My daughter was released from jail on January 7th, just as expected, even though she has another bench warrant in another county. The other county has agreed to put her back on calendar and will hopefully allow her to continue her Prop 36 program. Fingers are crossed!!
My daughter coming home was crazy wonderful! We spent the first night talking and giggling at the house with her sisters and my husband. I could tell my daughter felt uneasy and was a bit stressed over the abundance of freedom. I went to bed at 2 am and woke at 4 am to find her cleaning the house, then I woke again at 7am when she finally went to bed. My daughter was exhausted but unable to stop her mind from spinning and falling asleep was impossible. The next few days we spent hanging out and enjoying each other but the honeymoon didn’t last long.
My daughter disappeared after a few days spending the nights with her sober friends. I was happy with her choice of friends but realized that just because she was clean, it didn’t mean the behaviors were gone. I found myself being annoyed at the fact that she didn’t bother to call or update me, to not feel the slightest obligation to let me know she wasn’t coming home, that I sat wondering for 3 days where the hell she was.
When I called her on the carpet she became very argumentative, almost abusive and seemed insulted that I would dare ask her where she was and who she was with. It was shocking.
I spent an hour or more on the phone with her sponsor talking, complaining, and asking if I was being a ridiculous control freak or if my irritation was warranted. My daughters sponsor was as annoyed with my daughter as I was and put my mind at rest. I wasn’t being ridiculous or a control freak, but I did need to set some boundaries and let her know that this was my house, my rules and if she wanted to continue living under the roof I provided, she would follow my rules.
I actually felt that she would be better off in a sober living environment and told her sponsor this. I just feel exhausted over it all. I feel guilty about that.
My daughter returned a few days later, tail tucked with apologies up the wazoo. I was grateful, but she knew I was done. My daughter told me that she found a sober house she could move to and I agreed that this was the best option for her. My daughter will work as a Nanny for the woman who rents the room in exchange for rent. I was happy and I think relieved, she seemed and seems happy as well.
My only issue now is finding a way to set boundaries. I need to work on this. This is a huge struggle for me but I need to do it for her, myself and my family.
You know…I honestly thought that once she was sober, it would all just fall back into place. Now I realize the work has only just begun.