I would guess that most Mothers feel the need to ensure their children are taken care of, fed, happy, clothed, safe and on the right track in life.    I’ve spent almost my entire life striving to do this with my all of my children and feel pretty good about what I have accomplished. 

Why oh why then do I feel guilty when my addict daughter tells me that her “Program people” took a collection to buy or donate clothes for her, that they bought her a cell phone, and gave her furniture for her room.   Is it the comment “People in the program want me to succeed and help each other out” that I took very personally, or is it because I feel that I wasn’t doing enough?   

I tend to get bratty when my daughter calls us up and requests things of me that I find to be a bit much, like buying AND paying for a cell phone.  I found this request to be insulting considering the $8k we lost to her rehab that she was kicked out of, not to mention the beauty school loans and  medical bills we continue to pay.   I have spent thousands of dollars in clothing, travel, care packages, collect phone calls and Detox.    The cell phone request just blew me away!   I said no…I think I actually laughed and then said no. 

I can’t help but wonder what these “Program people” must think of me, the Mom who has forced her daughter to move into a sober living home, who isn’t buying her a new bed, bedding and furniture, who didn’t bother to get her a cell phone..BUT.. is living a very comfortable life.    I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.    I really  hate that I do! 

For me, I just feel done.  I feel exhausted with making things too easy for my daughter.   Every time she has come back, I have spent a fortune on clothes, shoes , and her living expenses to help her get on her feet.   I don’t want to do it anymore.   I feel like she needs to work for it, like I did, from the ground up.      I struggled and starved, I made old jeans shorts, and used to sew the holes in my socks.   It made me whom I am today, and regardless of her addiction, she needs to get some of that “ummphf” and make a life for herself too. 

I feel like I am doing the right thing…but Ugghh… the guilt sucks!