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On my way to pick up my daughter, as she was discharged from rehab for another violation.
I have no words…or plan.
I received a call last night from my daughter, she has been placed on another behavioral contract… this time for taking a Naproxen (pain med) that another client gave to her. It was prescribed to the other client and she claims she took it for tooth pain. We were advised that if she is put on 1 more contract, she’s out.
F-word.
My daughter was spouting out everything she thought we wanted to hear, but I just feel done.
Im pissed! We used all of our savings to put her here..even though my husband still hasn’t found a job after his lay-off, we’ve lost our house and have to find a rental on my salary alone. Grrr!
We’ve told her that if she doesn’t complete this program, she can’t come home. I hope that motivates her to stay on track.
Ive decided that I need a vacation from my life!
Hey whatever slogan works right now, I am okay with. I keep saying them in my head over and over again to see if anything will make me feel better.
A few set backs:
1) Extended black-out for my daughter. This was upsetting because she was given an extended blackout due to her developing an inappropriate relationship with one of the guys in the facility. I asked the counselor what an inappropriate relationship meant and they stated that it was a close friendship that appeared to be developing into a relationship. This was very troubling considering she has SO many self-esteem issues and that this was my MAIN concern about placing her in a Co-Ed group. Ugghhh!
2) I received a letter from my daughter today stating that she agreed with the punishment as she was given in a program that she needed to be honest and the truth was that she was developing a relationship with this guy..not only this, but they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Double ugghh.
So…I want to write her back and say “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND” ?????? But I’m not going to. I want to tell her that I don’t think that it is a good idea, but I’m struggling with how to word it without losing my mind and writing things I shouldn’t say, not things that I don’t want to say, but shouldn’t say.
I’ve decided not to respond to it and do my best to keep my letters light and simple. In the end, it is her life, her recovery, her journey. I do realize that she could be writing letters to her ex and wanting that relationship back, so I have to count my blessings.
Arrggh… Easy Does it…. First things First…. Live and Let Live……Let it Begin in Me……….Progress, not Perfection…
I’m getting there….
I attended my first Nar-Anon meeting and OMG I am so glad that I did. I actually left thinking WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS BEFORE????? I loved the meeting, I loved that we weren’t alone, and I loved that I am going to work on myself and understand this thing called Addiction. I do plan on attending Al-Anon as well since there is only 1 Nar-Anon that I can attend per week and I sort of feel like I need more.
My daughters court date was today. I had dreaded today for weeks wondering if they were going to take her back to jail, but to my surprise the Judge clapped when my daughters Public Defender advised that she was in a Detox Facility when she was required to appear AND that she was currently in a 90 day rehab program. The Judge even waved at me when her Public Defender announced and pointed at me as she stated that she was on the right track with the help from Mom.
THEN AN EVEN BIGGER SHOCK….. he stated that the defendant (my daughter) had requested that she have separate court hearings as the co-defendant (ex-boyfriend, who I refer to as Dipshit) as he was damaging to her recovery. WOWOWOW!!! I sat so proud of her for handling her recovery all on her own. YES I thought about requesting this. YES I wanted to keep him as far from her as I could, but she did this on her own and all I had to do was support her.
Another funny tidbit happened while on our way up to the courthouse. I panicked and said “Oh no!! I forgot to ask your people for the letters showing your completion of Detox and your admission to Rehab!!” My daughter grabbed my hand and said “Mom..I’ve already got those papers. It’s my responsibility not yours”. At first I was taken back and felt a bit like I had done something I shouldn’t have and then I realized that I really did. This was her responsibility and it was for her to take care of. I smiled at her and realized that she was really on track and that I too needed to get on track with taking care of myself…she was okay and now it was time for me to do the same.
I just sat back and snacked on some Reeses Pieces… drank a Diet Coke and enjoyed the conversation with my daughter today.
Life is good.
: )
I was able to spend an hour with my daughter today. I went with my husband, 3 daughters, Sister, and 2 Nieces. It was a GREAT visit.
My daughter is in good spirits..she was very excited about being clean and about her future. There were many times that she became emotional telling us how she remembered times when she would pray to God as she was preparing her next fix to make it stop, that she didn’t want to live like that anymore and wanted to stop. My daughter has a long way to go, that was clear, but I’ve never seen her so determined before.
The hour flew by and it was difficult to leave. My daughter was in tears as we drove off, but she stayed put, side by side with her counselor. I am so proud of her right now.
On Thursday I will spend an afternoon with her. I will take her to court for an appearance and I am hoping they won’t keep her. The public defender doesn’t seem to think this is an issue. I am praying to God it all works out.
I have to be honest. I feel like I “need” Al-Anon now. This is a crazy revelation for me since it was not something I felt was going to help me at first. I just didn’t “get it” I guess. I am so scared now that I may say or do something that will derail her and her recovery. I don’t want to be one of her “triggers” that makes her bolt back to her old life. I am actually worried now about what I say, do and how I act. I need to learn skills for myself now and I think Al-Anon will help me with that.
I remember when I started this blog (not long ago)…it was after 2 years of watching my daughter spiral out of control and feeling like I didn’t have anyone to talk to, who truly understood what I was dealing with. I wished that one day I would be one of the Moms/Dads sharing a story of rehab and sobriety, and here I sit sharing exactly that. I am not blind to the possibility of her going back, relapsing, walking away, going back…but I am hopeful that she will continue this journey and regain her life. It is possible for her and I hope and pray for that every day.
One day at a time right? Well that sounds just about right to me, either way…we are both headed in the right direction.
Well my daughter is making excellent progress in her Detox program. I am over the moon with how well she is doing. I was actually able to speak with her today for about a half an hour to discuss what happens “after” detox.
My daughter asked to go to a 90 day program. Honestly, when she said this I felt like the Heavens opened up and I could hear Angels singing. Of course we had always planned on sending her to one, but to have her ask was HUGE. My daughter already had a place picked out and the Counselors felt it would be a good match, especially since she was so excited about it. They even cut us a deal and gave us the same price that another facility had quoted us when I told her that I may not be able to afford the one she chose. They are allowing her to go in the program and nearly half the cost. I still can’t believe it, but they felt she should get the opportunity.
We are scheduled to have a visit with her on Monday just for an hour before she heads to the new program and I am really excited, especially since our phone call today was an emotional one, she was so happy to speak with me that she started crying. My daughter was able to get out a “Hello Mommy!” but then the water works started and we both were sniffling through the call. I was informed through much giggling that she is 10 days clean! I felt like she had just won a spelling bee or graduated from school or something. It is such an accomplishment and I feel so proud of her! This is HER doing, HER success, HER sobriety and the days clean is all because she wanted it.
There is a court hearing on the 9th that is concerning me…she was unable to appear at her last court date and even though I updated her Public Defender, there is still a warrant. There is a chance they will keep her when she appears on the 9th. The rehab facility is providing a letter to the judge as evidence of her rehabilitation in hopes that they will allow her to return. I really hope this works out
I was thinking today that she has much to deal with once she is out. In 1 county she has the Prop 36 program and another county she has probation that she didn’t bother with which included restitution. Arrggh! I keep trying to stay in today, but its hard. I worry that this will send her over. I just keep thinking that with enough of the program in her, she will have the skills to deal with her issues and deal with them 1 at a time.
I’ll update after my visit with her. Thank you all for your support and for checking in.
xoxox
My daughter is in the capable hands of a wonderful Detox facility. My daughter hugged me and cried her eyes out as she said goodbye, asking me to promise her that I will be there when she gets out.
Last night was brutal. My daughter was in my bed but not sleeping, more like sleep wrestling. I couldn’t believe how many times she sat up, screamed in pain, cuddled up to me and asked me to hold her tightly then followed by another scream, sitting up, twisting in bed, rolling over and over and over, kicking covers off, pulling them back on, lights off, lights on, hot then cold, awake and then asleep. Withdrawals are terrifying!!
I feel so relieved today because she is in much more capable hands. My husband and I are looking into Al Anon (are there meetings for co-dependants of NA?). We both feel like our whole family needs to go to meetings so we are speaking the same language when she gets out. We are also looking into a Rehab Clinic for her following the Detox.
I am exhausted…but I wanted to reach out and thank everyone for their support and kind words. I rely upon all of you so much now, so please know how much I love your comments and honest feedback.
xoxo
I spent most of the day today holding my daughter as she begged me to help her stop the pain. I felt panicked, terrified that she would be unable to calm herself. I called our county offices for help..trying to see if we could get her in some sort of detox program, but they couldn’t help her because she did not have any form of identification. I explained that she had nothing but the clothes on her back and her desire to get clean, but their hands were tied.
After hours of her begging and her cries for help from the pain, my husband and I took her to the hospital. They gave her some meds to help with withdrawals and suggested we get some help with her detox, mainly due to how dangerous it could be. The doctor was very nice and he was very helpful. I’m just frustrated with the system.
I called a Detox facility tonight that the doctor referred us to, and they were wonderful. They were concerned just as the doctor was that she was detoxing cold turkey and warned that it was dangerous. They spoke with my daughter for a while and then informed us that they would take her in. Their program is only 14 days long but it is safe and they have medical staff 24/7. The cost for 14 days is $2,000, so thank god we saved some money before my husband was laid off. I was told that my daughter will sit in group and individual therapy while she is there, meeting others just like her and people who are now clean and sober. This facility is for Opiate addiction only, so she will be amongst many others just like her. After 14 days, she is released back to us and hopefully she will be on the right path to a clean and sober life.
I’m sitting now and she is in bed…calling me every few minutes just to make sure I am still there or asking if I will hold her for a little while. I gave her a bath earlier and washed her hair. My grown daughter looked so fragile in the tub…her drug habit has taken a toll on her body… she is so-so thin. I sat with her on our couch after her bath, combed out her hair, and then braided it. I had flashbacks to when she was a little girl and these moments were usually filled with stories from school and boys she liked, and wondering how it came to this. How on earth did she get so bad, so far gone so quick.
Tomorrow I’ll take her to the Detox facility and hopefully this is the beginning of a brand new girl.
Im sat on the couch and my addict daughter is lying next to me. After spending a few hours with us last night visiting, and after I told her as I drove her home that if she ever wanted to get clean and leave that guy she’s with to call me. One hour later my phone rang, she asked if I would come and pick her up, and she has been here all day.
I don’t know what this means.
I don’t know how long she will stay.
I don’t even know if I believe everything she is saying, but I do know that I will once again offer to help her save her life if she’ll let me.
I’ve never seen her so thin…and her track lines are terrifying, but if she wants help and is willing to do the work, then I’ll do my best to help her.
Pray for us, pray for her… god help us and god keep her safe and strong enough to never go back.
I crumbled today and called my daughter. I’ve not spoken with her since her birthday on June 2nd. I decided then that I would not allow her to speak to me the way she did or to take advantage of me 1 more minute. I was doing well with holding my bottom line, but I unblocked her phone today and dialed. I guess I just to see if she would answer and she did.
It all started after I scheduled my 16 year old Senior Portraits today. I remembered that I had never ordered my addict daughters Senior pictures because she was going to have them taken over. The photo’s didn’t turn out as best as we had hoped and she had planned on doing them again. unfortunately she moved out a week after graduation and it just never happened. I felt guilty that I forgot and ashamed that I had not purchased any of her high school graduation photo’s.
The lady at the studio was happy to advise that they kept the photo’s for up to 5 years and would send me the link so I could purchase some if I wanted. The link came in and I opened a huge can of emotional worms! I sat in tears at work looking at her photo’s, remembering better days..of dreams lost… of a girl once filled with aspirations….all gone. My daughter was beautiful..her smile captured at a much more innocent time in her life. I wanted to jump in that photo and kiss her face until it hurt. I wished that I would have taken the damn day off from work to take her to this appointment instead of having my husband do it. I wished for so many things today, while tears were flowing, but regained my game face for work and remembered that I am human and the mistakes I made I can forgive myself for.
I dialed the phone..like I said..just to see if she would answer. The sound of her voice was bitter-sweet. I was so happy to hear her…those sweet words “Hi Mom!”, but so painful because they were slurred and slowed. It was more than obvious she was under the influence, but I pretended not to notice. I asked how she was, to which she updated me that she had her own apartment now, but is working every day of the week and is very tired. We didn’t talk long because she said that her boss was picking her up for work and she had to go, but promised to call me from work on her break. The call never came and yes I had my phone in my hand all night.
On my way home from work, I drove by her work and sat parked in the shade hoping for a glimpse of her walking in. I am too scared to actually go in to the strip club and wondered today if she even still works there, but still I waited 45 minutes. I saw all sorts walk in, but never saw my daughter. I cried all the way home. I just wanted to see her and felt robbed. Who knows what would have happened if I had seen her, I had thoughts about honking my horn and jumping out to hug her…telling her that I was in the neighborhood. I just knew she would see straight through that, so I figured I would just wait and just see her. I may honk and wave and hopefully get a hug, but alas…I didn’t get the opportunity.
The challenge for me now is to try not to keep calling and checking in on her. I have to try really hard to hold my bottom line. I told myself today that I was lucky to have heard her voice. The high point of the call today was as we said goodbye..she said “I love you Mom” and I told her that I loved her too. I actually smiled when she said it because it felt SO GOOD to hear it.
Maybe just maybe she will feel the same way…and start thinking about wanting her family back. I pray she does.
I miss her so much.
Her Mother's Blog 