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Well my daughters recovery lasted just over 3 years.  It was glorious.

Unfortunately, she is back out there.  I have no idea what she is doing.  Drinking, Drugs, Stripping…your guess is as good as mine.   I have not physically seen her since last July and last heard from her in November.

My daughter returned after months and months of being in a bad relationship.  During this relationship I along with other family members would receive phone calls at all times of the day, with her on the other end crying because the boyfriend had kicked her out, hit her, or was cruel.  We started receiving phone calls asking to borrow money, which was very odd considering she was working two jobs.   The insanity of her situation grew bigger than what she was and she eventually stopped attending meetings and I started to hear the old excuses.

It broke my heart, but I never gave up supporting a sober life for her.

Last August she returned, had left the boyfriend for good, admitted that she had relapsed several times, but knew she needed to get back to the basics and 12 steps.   I took her in with a promise and a relinquished cell phone so there would be no interruptions or distractions from the just as unhealthy boyfriend.   After only a month, we discovered that she had another cell phone and had not only been talking to the boyfriend, but was planning an “escape” from our house so they could move to another state and start over.  The text messages were hurtful, speaking as if she was using us until they could be together, how she was playing along so she wouldn’t get kicked out.  Ouch.

I confronted her and asked her to leave straight away, that I wouldn’t support a non-sober way of life, that in order to live in my home, it was meetings and sobriety or nothing.    That night was the last time I saw her.  I had reached out several times to her now returned cell phone but received no response other than angry messages.   I continued to text her and the boyfriend nearly every day, and the only response came from the boyfriend that he didn’t know where she was.

Then just after Thanksgiving, she called.  It was a familiar call with tears and stories of his abuse and that she was once again kicked out and asking for help.   Before I could answer she said that she had to go and would call straight back.  I’ve not heard since.  The boyfriend wouldn’t respond to my texts until just recently where he told me to stop bothering him, that him and my daughter ended things and he has a new girlfriend.  To stop texting him and leave him alone.

I don’t believe him.

I also have no other way to find her.

I am not at the point of filing a missing persons report, but the Sheriff told me that if she doesn’t want to be found, they can’t update me if they find her.

I sit back now and think..  “Am I really going through this again?  Am I really back to wondering if she is dead or alive?  Am I once again wondering if I will bury my daughter? Am I really lying to friends, family and her little sister about where she is and what she is doing?”

 

I am, and it breaks my heart.

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I was honored to have sat in a room full of addicts in my daughters NA meeting tonight.  I watched as each addict hugged the other, clap and yell as one of them would introduce themselves.  The room was small but filled with every walk of life.   I listened as they read the 12 steps and traditions, serenity prayer and a few others I had never heard. 

A wall shaking roar shook the room as the newcomers announced their “days” sober and the energy continued as the people with 30, 60 & 90 days walked to the front to get their chips.   The chairperson asked if anyone was celebrating their 6 month birthday and my daughter very proudly stood with her sponsor next to her.   They both walked to the front of this crowded room and I was captivated with stories of this side of my daughter I had not been part of.  The work she had accomplished, her struggles, her strength and her determination to keeping her life on track.  I was in awe of my daughter.  The cheers of support were amazing. 

My daughter stood in front of this crowd and said “Hello Family”  then she said her name and stated that she was an addict.   My daughter was emotional and struggled to keep it together as tears streamed down her face.  Suddenly it was as if I was sat in this room alone, just her and I as I listened to her speak.   “I want to tell you how grateful I am” she said “Im grateful that my Mom is here and is seeing me get my chip.  My mom for so long wondered if I was dead or alive, or in jail, and I am so grateful that she is here and finally able to be proud of me.  I love her and all of you”.    It was a blur after that, but we hugged and kissed.   I am pretty sure the meeting continued but I just sat in absolute awe, my tears flowing now.  

I flashed back to my daughters birth, her first day of school, graduation and then thought that, right now.. this is SO MUCH BETTER.