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This year I had all of my daughters at home. It was pure chaotic bliss! My addict daughter remains clean & sober, all of my girls lives are all heading in the right direction. I’m officially broke from helping to pay for College tuition, studio apartments and first time household items! I couldn’t be happier. 

A few years ago I never imagined my life being so crazy wonderful. I prepared myself every day for the news that my child was dead by  overdose.

I welcome this new insanity of tuition, top ramen purchased in bulk & first time apartment needs.

Merry Christmas!

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I would guess that most Mothers feel the need to ensure their children are taken care of, fed, happy, clothed, safe and on the right track in life.    I’ve spent almost my entire life striving to do this with my all of my children and feel pretty good about what I have accomplished. 

Why oh why then do I feel guilty when my addict daughter tells me that her “Program people” took a collection to buy or donate clothes for her, that they bought her a cell phone, and gave her furniture for her room.   Is it the comment “People in the program want me to succeed and help each other out” that I took very personally, or is it because I feel that I wasn’t doing enough?   

I tend to get bratty when my daughter calls us up and requests things of me that I find to be a bit much, like buying AND paying for a cell phone.  I found this request to be insulting considering the $8k we lost to her rehab that she was kicked out of, not to mention the beauty school loans and  medical bills we continue to pay.   I have spent thousands of dollars in clothing, travel, care packages, collect phone calls and Detox.    The cell phone request just blew me away!   I said no…I think I actually laughed and then said no. 

I can’t help but wonder what these “Program people” must think of me, the Mom who has forced her daughter to move into a sober living home, who isn’t buying her a new bed, bedding and furniture, who didn’t bother to get her a cell phone..BUT.. is living a very comfortable life.    I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.    I really  hate that I do! 

For me, I just feel done.  I feel exhausted with making things too easy for my daughter.   Every time she has come back, I have spent a fortune on clothes, shoes , and her living expenses to help her get on her feet.   I don’t want to do it anymore.   I feel like she needs to work for it, like I did, from the ground up.      I struggled and starved, I made old jeans shorts, and used to sew the holes in my socks.   It made me whom I am today, and regardless of her addiction, she needs to get some of that “ummphf” and make a life for herself too. 

I feel like I am doing the right thing…but Ugghh… the guilt sucks!

Hello friends..I can’t believe how long it has been since I last blogged.  A combination of anxiety, changes at work and anti anxiety medication has kept me from doing much of anything but surviving.  I have stopped the meds, they made me feel like a zombie and I am just dealing with the rest. 

My daughter was released from jail on January 7th, just as expected, even though she has another bench warrant in another county.  The other county has agreed to put her back on calendar and will hopefully allow her to continue her Prop 36 program.  Fingers are crossed!! 

My daughter coming home was crazy wonderful!  We spent the first night talking and giggling at the house with her sisters and my husband.  I could tell my daughter felt uneasy and was a bit stressed over the abundance of freedom.  I went to bed at 2 am and woke at 4 am to find her cleaning the house, then I woke again at 7am when she finally went to bed.   My daughter was exhausted but unable to stop her mind from spinning and falling asleep was impossible.   The next few days we spent hanging out and enjoying each other but the honeymoon didn’t last long.

My daughter disappeared after a few days spending the nights with her sober friends.  I was happy with her choice of friends but realized that just because she was clean, it didn’t mean the behaviors were gone.   I found myself being annoyed at the fact that she didn’t bother to call or update me, to not feel the slightest obligation to let me know she wasn’t coming home, that I sat wondering for 3 days where the hell she was.  

When I called her on the carpet she became very argumentative, almost abusive and seemed insulted that I would dare ask her where she was and who she was with.   It was shocking.

I spent an hour or more on the phone with her sponsor talking, complaining, and asking if I was being a ridiculous control freak or if my irritation was warranted.   My daughters sponsor was as annoyed with my daughter as I was and put my mind at rest.   I wasn’t being ridiculous or a control freak, but I did need to set some boundaries and let her know that this was my house, my rules and if she wanted to continue living under the roof I provided, she would follow my rules.  

I actually felt that she would be better off in a sober living environment and told her sponsor this.  I just feel exhausted over it all.  I feel guilty about that. 

My daughter returned a few days later, tail tucked with apologies up the wazoo.   I was grateful, but she knew I was done.   My daughter told me that she found a sober house she could move to and I agreed that this was the best option for her.   My daughter will work as a Nanny for the woman who rents the room in exchange for rent.   I was happy and I think relieved, she seemed and seems happy as well. 

My only issue now is finding a way to set boundaries.  I need to work on this.   This is a huge struggle for me but I need to do it for her, myself and my family.  

You know…I honestly thought that once she was sober, it would all just fall back into place.   Now I realize the work has only just begun.

On my way to pick up my daughter, as she was discharged from rehab for another violation.

I have no words…or plan.

My daughter is in the capable hands of a wonderful Detox facility. My daughter hugged me and cried her eyes out as she said goodbye, asking me to promise her that I will be there when she gets out.

Last night was brutal. My daughter was in my bed but not sleeping, more like sleep wrestling. I couldn’t believe how many times she sat up, screamed in pain, cuddled up to me and asked me to hold her tightly then followed by another scream, sitting up, twisting in bed, rolling over and over and over, kicking covers off, pulling them back on, lights off, lights on, hot then cold, awake and then asleep. Withdrawals are terrifying!!

I feel so relieved today because she is in much more capable hands. My husband and I are looking into Al Anon (are there meetings for co-dependants of NA?). We both feel like our whole family needs to go to meetings so we are speaking the same language when she gets out. We are also looking into a Rehab Clinic for her following the Detox.

I am exhausted…but I wanted to reach out and thank everyone for their support and kind words. I rely upon all of you so much now, so please know how much I love your comments and honest feedback.

xoxo

Im sat on the couch and my addict daughter is lying next to me. After spending a few hours with us last night visiting, and after I told her as I drove her home that if she ever wanted to get clean and leave that guy she’s with to call me. One hour later my phone rang, she asked if I would come and pick her up, and she has been here all day.

I don’t know what this means.
I don’t know how long she will stay.

I don’t even know if I believe everything she is saying, but I do know that I will once again offer to help her save her life if she’ll let me.

I’ve never seen her so thin…and her track lines are terrifying, but if she wants help and is willing to do the work, then I’ll do my best to help her.

Pray for us, pray for her… god help us and god keep her safe and strong enough to never go back.

Throughout the last 2 years of my daughters vida loca (crazy life),  I have taken the blows pretty well.  I’ve not punished myself too severely for feeling as though I failed her as her Mother, that I didn’t recognize the signs earlier, that I didn’t kidnap her while I had the chance and ship her off to a rehab clinic, and I tried not to take the things she said to me as gospel.   I failed with this yesterday, because something she said really hurt me.  

Talking with my 20-year-old yesterday, I asked if she had wished her sister a happy birthday.  My daughter said that she spoke with her on the phone which was unusual because she normally only texts.   I told my daughter that she was upset with me because I wouldn’t take the idiot to dinner with us, to which she stated that she knew she was upset.  

My daughter said to me:

 “She said that she never asks you for anything and then she called you a c*nt”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  silence ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mom…are you there?”  

“Yes.. I’m here”      I answered her. 

I was in shock, horror, and honestly just feeling utterly hurt over that evil 4 letter word.   My 20 year went on to tell me that she didn’t continue speaking to her but did manage to tell her sister that she understood why I felt the way I did.   

I reacted immediately.  That knee jerk reaction that is oh so dangerous.  I sent her a text message notifying her that I heard what she called me and not to bother calling me again when he beats her or needs a ride home from jail.  I blocked her number from my phone and sat and cried. 

I don’t know why I had a poor me party about this but I did.  I made a mental list of all of the things I had done for her and not just over the past 2 years with jail, money, food, clothing, rides, company — oh god…I’m doing it again.   Well I made a list and then sat while my belly ached from anger. 

I know what everyone is going to say… it’s the addict talking, she doesn’t mean it, she’s not in her right mind…and I know that, but it still hurt.   I am gutted about how easy it is for her to speak of me in such a way.   I feel betrayed.   

I do feel a sense of relief from blocking her number.   I know I won’t be woken up at 4am with her hysterical crying because Dipshit beat her or because she was in jail again.   On the other hand, I am terrified because I also won’t be able to check on her, to make sure she is alive, to have some contact with her.  

What I have decided is that for today, just today,  I am not unblocking her number..it is the 1 healthy thing I am doing for myself – today. 

Who knows what will happen tomorrow.

My Daughter is 21 years old today. 

I had always imagined this day to be entirely different.   Family tradition requires the new “legal” drinker to head to Vegas for the weekend with their older siblings or Aunties/Uncles.    This was the weekend I had always said that I would opt out of since I would not be able to take off the “Mom” hat and put on the “lets party” hat with my child.    My sister and nieces had all decided that when she turned 21 they were going to show her one hell of a time.  It’s strange at how  things have changed.  

Tonight’s celebration will include dinner with just our family and gifts.   I plan on buying her clothes since I know how much she loves new clothes and maybe a new bikini for summer.    I have confirmed that I will be picking her up from work, even though I will dread driving in to the strip club parking lot.   We will be meeting the rest of my family at the restaurant. 

I’ve been stressing about whether or not she will order alcohol.  If she orders it with her dinner and we are paying for it, then I am essentially buying her a drink.   I have no intention of ordering a drink and toasting to her 21st birthday, unless it is with a Diet Pepsi.  I just hope it’s not an issue tonight. 

I am grateful to God that she is another year older.  A year ago I wasn’t sure if she would ever see her 21st birthday or if I would ever be able to let go of her addiction and allow her to own it all on her own.    It has been difficult, but I am making progress.

Just last Thursday she called me in the morning begging me to come pick her up out-of-town.   I told her that I had meetings all day that I couldn’t get out of and couldn’t leave.  I asked why she was almost 2 hours away without a ride or any friends and she advised that she had “Just got out of jail”.   My daughter was arrested for possession of a drug called Suboxine (she claims) which is used to help addicts get off of Oxycontin.   They kept her because she had a warrant in another county and they released her with a “Promise to Appear”.   

WHAT THE?  

My daughter had a warrant…. was arrested because she was obviously doing something she shouldn’t have been, was found with a drug and WAS RELEASED?????      I don’t get it.   

I am looking forward to tonight.  I hope to God she comes to dinner sober because I will enjoy her so much more.  

Wish me luck!

My daughter did not appear for her 05/17/10 hearing. 

A warrant has been issued.

*******************************

On Monday 05/17/10, she was required to appear.   My daughter told me that she had gone to the hearing and that everything worked out. 

My middle daughter was visiting for her birthday (same day) and my daughter came over to wish her a happy birthday. 

My 2 middle girls and I sat in sadness watching my daughter/their sister nod off on the couch.  I would shake her and she would wake up and say that she was really tired..that she had not slept at all the night before.   I would leave her alone and she would nod off again.  

At one point my baby took a drawing toy and sat on her lap and even while playing with her sister, her eyes would roll.  I took my baby off of her and put a pillow on the couch next to her.   We continued our celebration while she slept on the couch.  

Then at 10:30, Dipshit drives up and she springs to her feet.    As we are giving her big hugs and I love you’s in front of our big living room window, he screeches off.   My daughter called him on the phone and asked him to come back..which he did a few minutes later.   

As I closed the door… I was so proud that for the first time in a long time I didn’t fall apart.  I wasn’t angry with her and I didn’t want to chase after her. 

I just looked at my family and said…”She is a very sick little girl who needs our prayers badly”.  

And that was it… we continued as if nothing had happened and laughed our way through the rest of the night.  

The only thing I wonder now is will they come looking for her, or will she be considered on the run?

The one night I don’t have my cell and house phone next to my pillow, she calls.    The phone started ringing at 6am, but it wasn’t until 6:30am that my husband heard the phone and ran downstairs to get it.    We missed that call but in a matter of a few minutes, it rang again.

Me:  “Hello?”

My Daughter: “Hi Mom…”   (talking interrupted by her sobbing, a radio and muffled voices).

Me:  “Hey..you okay?”

My Daughter: “No…can I come over just for a little while and hang out?” (more of her sobbing)

Me: “Sure”

My Daughter: “Okay….thanks Mom”  (more sobbing) “See you in a few minutes”

_________________________

My husband and I went downstairs and waited….I was half asleep and my  mind was going a million miles per hour, then a car drove up.    My daughter exited the car and walked up to the house.   I opened the door, smile on my face, and hugged her.   My husband hugged her next and she walked in and sat on the couch.  

I didn’t want to push her, but her sobbing phone call had me very curious.   I asked if she was okay, she said she was.    My daughter then explained that she had gotten off of work at 4am.  The roommate (who is also a stripper) drove them home to their apartment where my daughter found “Dipshit” aka her boyfriend, passed out in a chair.   My daughter said that she tried to move him from the chair to the bed when he woke up and thought she was trying to throw him around.   The boyfriend proceeded to beat her with what she explained very casually as a few punches to the stomach and ribs, arms and face.  I asked if she wanted to call the police….she didn’t. 

We sat silent for a few minutes.  My daughter was getting herself together and I was trying to process the information.   I then asked her if he was high to which she nodded and said that he was.    I asked her if she had used and she said that she had.   My daughter then told me that she was taking Suboxine (sp) so she doesn’t have withdrawals.  We were all exhausted by this point and I asked her if she wanted to get some sleep.  We put her to bed and she slept until 3pm.

When she woke, she was hungry and ate some food.  We talked about her court date which was tomorrow.   At first she said she wasn’t going, that she wanted to wait until after her 21st birthday, but I am hoping she will go.  If she doesn’t go, a warrant will be issued, if she does go, she will most likely go back to jail.  I guess either way she is going back, but I personally think it will be worse for her if its due to a warrant. 

Then during our chat, my daughters roommate called and advised that all of her things (clothing and personal items) were all gone from their apartment.  The roommate then told her that her money (the roommate’s) had been stolen.    My daughter seemed to tense up immediately, she stopped eating and asked to use the phone. 

As I write this, my daughter is in the bathroom using my cell phone to see (she claims) where her clothes and things were.  What this means is that she was calling the boyfriend to find out where he is, and I know it is only a matter of time before she tells me that she is going to run errands or is off to pick up her clothes from him and that she will be back later. 

And yes…….there it is…..she has to go back to her apartment to “fix” things.     I knew it.    Actually I knew earlier this moment would happen. 

On a positive side…. I was able to spend more time with my daughter.   This is what I will focus on for now.   

I have no idea when I will see her again and that’s okay.    I’ll just keep my ears posted for updates from the court date.