Sunny

Ten little fingers and ten little toes

A little round head and a cute button nose

 

An Apgar of 10, lungs sounding so strong

The first touch of your baby, you’ve waited so long

 

A heart filled with love, words just can’t explain

A life you’ve created, and worth all the pain

 

Milestones are plenty, first smile and first coo

Crawling already, 1^st day of pre-school

 

Soccer star, princess, actress, a queen

Dances, dating, Sleepovers, the teens

 

Best friends and boyfriends, ex friends, and the mall

Behind the wheel practice, white knuckles for all

 

A grad, vast dreams, a limitless world

A stumble, new friends, a lost little girl

 

Pacing and wondering, worry filled nights

Phone calls, the hang-ups, anxiety, and fright

 

Searching, and hoping, finding, relief

Waking, they’re gone, hit rewind and repeat

 

Smiling, pretending, alone with the pain

Vigilant, hopeless, determined, and drained

 

Jail cell visits, hope and implore

Released, she’s gone, I can’t take much more

 

A hospital room, she’s so still, a close call

Dirty nails, body bruised, so thin, and so small

 

Preparing to mourn, praying, despair

A glimmer, a shred, is this real, do I dare?

 

Detox and rehab, meetings, 12 steps

I’m breathing, I’m sleeping, can’t wait for what’s next?

 

Clean, still sober, 3 years, future’s bright

A relapse, my happiness may exit, stage right

 

Deep breaths, lots of prayers, holding on to the hope

Of a child, clean and free, from addictions’ cruel hold

We found her, but…

Yes. Mission accomplished. I found my daughter, and she wants nothing to do with me or our family.

What a blow to the gut. I’ve searched for months and have been out of my mind after she called me in November crying hysterically asking if I can pick her up. That phone call terrified me. My daughter claimed the boyfriend was physically abusive and threw her out on the streets. Then she hung up saying that she had to go but would call straight back.  That call never came.

I have to find peace with this, even though I’m hurt. I have to let it go and give it to God.

As the Brits say “Keep Calm and Carry On” .

I hope I find her

Not this again

Well my daughters recovery lasted just over 3 years.  It was glorious.

Unfortunately, she is back out there.  I have no idea what she is doing.  Drinking, Drugs, Stripping…your guess is as good as mine.   I have not physically seen her since last July and last heard from her in November.

My daughter returned after months and months of being in a bad relationship.  During this relationship I along with other family members would receive phone calls at all times of the day, with her on the other end crying because the boyfriend had kicked her out, hit her, or was cruel.  We started receiving phone calls asking to borrow money, which was very odd considering she was working two jobs.   The insanity of her situation grew bigger than what she was and she eventually stopped attending meetings and I started to hear the old excuses.

It broke my heart, but I never gave up supporting a sober life for her.

Last August she returned, had left the boyfriend for good, admitted that she had relapsed several times, but knew she needed to get back to the basics and 12 steps.   I took her in with a promise and a relinquished cell phone so there would be no interruptions or distractions from the just as unhealthy boyfriend.   After only a month, we discovered that she had another cell phone and had not only been talking to the boyfriend, but was planning an “escape” from our house so they could move to another state and start over.  The text messages were hurtful, speaking as if she was using us until they could be together, how she was playing along so she wouldn’t get kicked out.  Ouch.

I confronted her and asked her to leave straight away, that I wouldn’t support a non-sober way of life, that in order to live in my home, it was meetings and sobriety or nothing.    That night was the last time I saw her.  I had reached out several times to her now returned cell phone but received no response other than angry messages.   I continued to text her and the boyfriend nearly every day, and the only response came from the boyfriend that he didn’t know where she was.

Then just after Thanksgiving, she called.  It was a familiar call with tears and stories of his abuse and that she was once again kicked out and asking for help.   Before I could answer she said that she had to go and would call straight back.  I’ve not heard since.  The boyfriend wouldn’t respond to my texts until just recently where he told me to stop bothering him, that him and my daughter ended things and he has a new girlfriend.  To stop texting him and leave him alone.

I don’t believe him.

I also have no other way to find her.

I am not at the point of filing a missing persons report, but the Sheriff told me that if she doesn’t want to be found, they can’t update me if they find her.

I sit back now and think..  “Am I really going through this again?  Am I really back to wondering if she is dead or alive?  Am I once again wondering if I will bury my daughter? Am I really lying to friends, family and her little sister about where she is and what she is doing?”

 

I am, and it breaks my heart.

Christmas 2011

This year I had all of my daughters at home. It was pure chaotic bliss! My addict daughter remains clean & sober, all of my girls lives are all heading in the right direction. I’m officially broke from helping to pay for College tuition, studio apartments and first time household items! I couldn’t be happier. 

A few years ago I never imagined my life being so crazy wonderful. I prepared myself every day for the news that my child was dead by  overdose.

I welcome this new insanity of tuition, top ramen purchased in bulk & first time apartment needs.

Merry Christmas!

Checking in

I finally have time today for a quick update!

My daughter is 9 months clean & sober and is starting to sponsor new addicts, she is doing great, living her life to the fullest!

I told her on her 9 month birthday that this accomplishment is as great as if I was attending her College graduation! I’m so proud of her!!

6 month Birthday

I was honored to have sat in a room full of addicts in my daughters NA meeting tonight.  I watched as each addict hugged the other, clap and yell as one of them would introduce themselves.  The room was small but filled with every walk of life.   I listened as they read the 12 steps and traditions, serenity prayer and a few others I had never heard. 

A wall shaking roar shook the room as the newcomers announced their “days” sober and the energy continued as the people with 30, 60 & 90 days walked to the front to get their chips.   The chairperson asked if anyone was celebrating their 6 month birthday and my daughter very proudly stood with her sponsor next to her.   They both walked to the front of this crowded room and I was captivated with stories of this side of my daughter I had not been part of.  The work she had accomplished, her struggles, her strength and her determination to keeping her life on track.  I was in awe of my daughter.  The cheers of support were amazing. 

My daughter stood in front of this crowd and said “Hello Family”  then she said her name and stated that she was an addict.   My daughter was emotional and struggled to keep it together as tears streamed down her face.  Suddenly it was as if I was sat in this room alone, just her and I as I listened to her speak.   “I want to tell you how grateful I am” she said “Im grateful that my Mom is here and is seeing me get my chip.  My mom for so long wondered if I was dead or alive, or in jail, and I am so grateful that she is here and finally able to be proud of me.  I love her and all of you”.    It was a blur after that, but we hugged and kissed.   I am pretty sure the meeting continued but I just sat in absolute awe, my tears flowing now.  

I flashed back to my daughters birth, her first day of school, graduation and then thought that, right now.. this is SO MUCH BETTER.

Guilt Sucks!

I would guess that most Mothers feel the need to ensure their children are taken care of, fed, happy, clothed, safe and on the right track in life.    I’ve spent almost my entire life striving to do this with my all of my children and feel pretty good about what I have accomplished. 

Why oh why then do I feel guilty when my addict daughter tells me that her “Program people” took a collection to buy or donate clothes for her, that they bought her a cell phone, and gave her furniture for her room.   Is it the comment “People in the program want me to succeed and help each other out” that I took very personally, or is it because I feel that I wasn’t doing enough?   

I tend to get bratty when my daughter calls us up and requests things of me that I find to be a bit much, like buying AND paying for a cell phone.  I found this request to be insulting considering the $8k we lost to her rehab that she was kicked out of, not to mention the beauty school loans and  medical bills we continue to pay.   I have spent thousands of dollars in clothing, travel, care packages, collect phone calls and Detox.    The cell phone request just blew me away!   I said no…I think I actually laughed and then said no. 

I can’t help but wonder what these “Program people” must think of me, the Mom who has forced her daughter to move into a sober living home, who isn’t buying her a new bed, bedding and furniture, who didn’t bother to get her a cell phone..BUT.. is living a very comfortable life.    I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.    I really  hate that I do! 

For me, I just feel done.  I feel exhausted with making things too easy for my daughter.   Every time she has come back, I have spent a fortune on clothes, shoes , and her living expenses to help her get on her feet.   I don’t want to do it anymore.   I feel like she needs to work for it, like I did, from the ground up.      I struggled and starved, I made old jeans shorts, and used to sew the holes in my socks.   It made me whom I am today, and regardless of her addiction, she needs to get some of that “ummphf” and make a life for herself too. 

I feel like I am doing the right thing…but Ugghh… the guilt sucks!

Starting over

Hello friends..I can’t believe how long it has been since I last blogged.  A combination of anxiety, changes at work and anti anxiety medication has kept me from doing much of anything but surviving.  I have stopped the meds, they made me feel like a zombie and I am just dealing with the rest. 

My daughter was released from jail on January 7th, just as expected, even though she has another bench warrant in another county.  The other county has agreed to put her back on calendar and will hopefully allow her to continue her Prop 36 program.  Fingers are crossed!! 

My daughter coming home was crazy wonderful!  We spent the first night talking and giggling at the house with her sisters and my husband.  I could tell my daughter felt uneasy and was a bit stressed over the abundance of freedom.  I went to bed at 2 am and woke at 4 am to find her cleaning the house, then I woke again at 7am when she finally went to bed.   My daughter was exhausted but unable to stop her mind from spinning and falling asleep was impossible.   The next few days we spent hanging out and enjoying each other but the honeymoon didn’t last long.

My daughter disappeared after a few days spending the nights with her sober friends.  I was happy with her choice of friends but realized that just because she was clean, it didn’t mean the behaviors were gone.   I found myself being annoyed at the fact that she didn’t bother to call or update me, to not feel the slightest obligation to let me know she wasn’t coming home, that I sat wondering for 3 days where the hell she was.  

When I called her on the carpet she became very argumentative, almost abusive and seemed insulted that I would dare ask her where she was and who she was with.   It was shocking.

I spent an hour or more on the phone with her sponsor talking, complaining, and asking if I was being a ridiculous control freak or if my irritation was warranted.   My daughters sponsor was as annoyed with my daughter as I was and put my mind at rest.   I wasn’t being ridiculous or a control freak, but I did need to set some boundaries and let her know that this was my house, my rules and if she wanted to continue living under the roof I provided, she would follow my rules.  

I actually felt that she would be better off in a sober living environment and told her sponsor this.  I just feel exhausted over it all.  I feel guilty about that. 

My daughter returned a few days later, tail tucked with apologies up the wazoo.   I was grateful, but she knew I was done.   My daughter told me that she found a sober house she could move to and I agreed that this was the best option for her.   My daughter will work as a Nanny for the woman who rents the room in exchange for rent.   I was happy and I think relieved, she seemed and seems happy as well. 

My only issue now is finding a way to set boundaries.  I need to work on this.   This is a huge struggle for me but I need to do it for her, myself and my family.  

You know…I honestly thought that once she was sober, it would all just fall back into place.   Now I realize the work has only just begun.

120 days

Why does 120 days sound like less time than 4 months? Why can’t the judge just say 4 months? Funny thing really.

I know this is only the beginning for my daughter, she will serve 120 days in jail for her probation violations starting today. This was a huge shock for her, but I had a feeling this would happen.

My daughter has been home and doing well..she signed herself up for outpatient therapy and attends meetings just about every night. The other nights she spends with sober friends from the meetings or at home.

I’ve not been happy about some of her friends as they seem to be new in recovery and they seem unhealthy for each other, but I’ve kept my mouth shut and set boundaries.

My daughter was able to get on Prop 36 from the other county she had charges in and we thought that maybe the judge would go easy on her since she was making great strides to get her life back but no luck. I worry now because without her compliance to her prop 36, she will be ordered to serve jail time.

So..since shes already in jail, she can’t comply and will ultimately have another period of time she’ll need to serve.

All consequences of her actions I know,but as her Mom, I can’t help but worry.

I guess until it unfolds there isn’t much I can do other, than take it One Day At A Time….